During the lock down and with the children being older, one married, one living with her boyfriend, two at home and with my husband being retried I have thought a lot about my situation.
I’m now 56. I guess I settled for a relationship where the man was in control: there was a twelve-year age difference, he earned a really good salary, and he was an Alpha Male, very confident and self-assured so it was inevitable he would make decisions.

What got me thinking about his was that last December my husband and I went to a reunion dinner for retired staff for the company where he used to work, which was a multinational finance company with a Head Office in London, (such things seem a long, long time ago now!). It was a lunchtime affair and it was a lovely meal and a really nice occasion – there must have been thirty people there, and I got to catch up with loads of old friends who I’ve not seen for ages. Anyway, I was sitting next to a lady who had worked with my husband for quite a long while.
She took an interest in what I was wearing and said “it’s all designer, isn’t it?” I agreed that it was so she asked me how much my outfit had cost so I told her I was wearing my favourite Christian Louboutin shoes which cost about £500; a brand-new Saint Laurent silk lame blouse which cost £1,500 and a Gucci black leather skirt which cost about £2,000. The lady then took my hand under the table, squeezed it and said, “Your husband lets you spend whatever you like on your appearance because he knows you have to do as your told.” I couldn’t really argue with her because I knew in my heart, she was right.

The thing was I came from an average, working-class, quite a conventional family i.e., my dad was in charge which wasn’t uncommon in the Sixties and Seventies – he got served first at the dinner table and my sister and I had to help mum and wash up etc – also, we were told to be “ladylike”.

I was the youngest of three, with a brother two years older and my sister was five years older – she passed her eleven plus and went to a grammar school and got a First-Class Honours degree at university followed by a good career whereas I left school at 16 and went to secretarial college – we were always being compared and called “beauty and the brains” which, even to this day, has created a rivalry between me and my sister.

I was often praised, by both my mum and dad, for my dress sense and being feminine whereas she was “told off” for always wearing jeans/trousers and no make-up – which happened even when she was at Uni if we went to a family event. I remember when I was 15, we went to a family wedding (me and my brother, mum and dad – sis was at Uni) and I choose an outfit for myself for the first time (with a little help from mum!) – a nice summer dress, a hat and high heeled shoes and I got tons of praise, I felt so sophisticated and adult. At secondary school the English teacher hated me and would often make loads of jokes at my expense (to get a laugh from the class), one day I answered him back and made him look small and so, at the end of the lesson, he took me to the Headmistress (deputy) – it was a co-ed school with a Headmaster in charge, of course – and she slippered me over her desk. Another time I was with a group of boys who set a fire alarm off – the headmaster caned the boys and the Headmistress caned me: I got two extra strokes of the cane because she said she wanted “to make an example of me” as “the boys had said they had been showing off in front of me.”

I went to work at 17 (1981) as a typist in a typing “pool” – sometimes guys would pat and pinch my bum. I told my female manager and she just shrugged her shoulders and said “so what?” It also happened on the tube and in pubs and nightclubs (I am not going to get into the thorny issue of boyfriends which is a whole story in itself!). Then, I got a job as a P.A in a local company to a director called Mr Wright. One day I lost some important data we needed for a report (in those days there was a computer room and computers were backed up each night on tape!) the computer guy spent ages looking for it on the back up tapes and then I found a hard copy and went to tell him.
He was about my age and he went mad – telling me I had wasted all his time and I sat around filing my nails and prancing around the office in short skirts – he also said some personal stuff, I went back to the office and was very upset so Mr Wright got on the phone to the computer guy and told him to come upstairs to his office. I remember him bellowing at him DON’T YOU EVER SPEAK TO CHARLOTTE LIKE THAT AGAIN! After that the computer guy hated me and the women would say “don’t upset Charlotte she tittle-tattles to the boss!” Then, when I was twenty-two, I worked as a P.A in London for this large multi-national finance company, the Director I worked for, who was in his fifties, and who had two daughters about my age, used to say, “I like it when you feel uncomfortable, Charlotte, because when you blush you look so pretty.” Another time I was running upstairs and a manager was stood at the top watching my breasts bounce. When I got to the top, he smiled and said, “go back and do that again”.

Later, I met my future husband who worked for the same company. When I married him, in 1990, I gave up my job and became a “corporate wife”. I was expected to manage/organise the household, attend functions (where I would make polite conversation), organise dinner parties and look glamorous (checking with my husband about what I should wear if it was a corporate event) but I like fashion and spend a lot on hair and beauty treatments so that wasn’t so bad although whilst I was doing all that I was also raising four children (two boys and two girls)! In addition, I was expected to be genteel, a good listener and not have emotional baggage (which I’ve not got) as I was an emotional support to my husband – in fact, my husband always says that I’ve been wonderful and very supportive to him. We lived in Frankfurt for a year and New York for six years which I really enjoyed. I’m not complaining, generally, things have been pretty good, my husband has been a good father, the children are fantastic – my life really – and we’ve had a very nice life and now he’s retired our lives are very happy, we have lovely holidays/cruises and a good standard of living but I look at my two daughters, who are aged 27 and 23 (they both have degrees) and I wish, when I’d been young, I’d had their level of self-confidence and I wish I’d been more assertive – my life might have panned out differently – so what I would say to any young woman today is that EDUCATION is very important, it is the key really to giving your life choices.

What I didn’t say (of course) was that whilst I do think education is important and I do wish I was better educated (my brother and sister have degrees as does my husband) I also love my life and I’m glad I’m a supportive/submissive wife and, whilst we all think “what if?” from time to time I’ve never regretted marrying Mark, not for one second, although I do accept that I am very changeable and think one thing one day and something completely different another (Mark says this!) and sometimes think I wish I was still working as I did love my PA job! Still, my husband has always made me feel safe, secure, loved and protected and I’ve always loved him, it wasn’t love at first sight for me anyway but since we got engaged in 1989, I’ve loved Mark and love him as much now as I did then if not more. I think because I came from an ordinary background I’ve always looked up to and admired him and appreciated the lifestyle I have, thanks to him. I think I was lucky as well because my father retired in 1991, the year Andrew was born and my parents used to baby sit for us a lot and stay over, (we have a 7-bed house plus I have a dressing room), we had Elizabeth in 1993 than a gape to Louisa in 1997 and Robbie in 2000. My parents really admired my husband too as they had always wanted me and my sister to leave school, have a job, get married and have babies so they loved the fact that my husband could support me financially, as did his parents. My husband ticked a lot of boxes for my parents, he allowed me to be a SAHM, he was/is very stable, very serious, very much “no nonsense”, loyal, hard-working, faithful, conservative (with a small and big C! – very strong on Remain in EU!) and he liked me to look glamorous! What more could they ask for in a son-in-law?

My husband comes from Yorkshire and so I’d not met a lot of his friends and family when we got engaged in 1989. His well-off parents (who were delighted Mark had found a lot younger, attractive fiancée – I was 26 and he was 38 when we married) threw a big engagement party for us, I wore an electric blue satin dress with a halter neck and Mark was on Cloud Nine as guests kept congratulating him and telling him he’d “punched well above his weight” in courting a stunning blonde! I really knew then I was going to be a Trophy Wife! (but when I look at photographs of that night, with Mark standing with his arm around me I just look so young and innocent and think, “if I only knew then what I know now!” but that’s life!). We married on 11th August 1990 my husband said to me, “you’re mine now, you belong to me”. Every bride likes to organise her wedding but Mark insisted we get married in Yorkshire – we had about 300 guests and his parents paid the lions share so his mum and sister organised a lot of things (his mother even “choose” my dress! Long story short – we lived in London but went to Yorkshire which is about 200 miles away for the banns in church, to organise the venue and dress and suit fittings etc. Mark’s mother and sister wanted a traditional wedding dress and I wanted something more modern – a strapless, sheaf dress which was popular at the time but his mother, who was quite religious, didn’t think I should have my shoulders uncovered in church. Then his mum phoned me to say she’d found a “gorgeous dress which you’ll love” and had paid the deposit! Mark was getting techy about it as we had other stuff to plan and kept saying “it’s only a bloody frock, just choose one” – well, when we went back to Yorkshire the dress Mark’s mother had chosen was a very expensive traditional wedding dress with a tight bodice and a very full skirt which was a style, I wasn’t keen on but felt I had to wear.)

The reason I wanted to write is because I think a lot of women have way too high expectations and whilst my husband and I have been married for nearly 31 years during that time, we have seen many, many marriages go to the wall and end in divorce which is terrible, especially for the poor children – I think divorce hurts them at any age, and I think that in the most cases, not all certainly, but most, the wife is to blame and it’s getting worse and worse so if I can help just one marriage with this story, I’d be grateful. It is far better to have a stable marriage like we have, one in which, yes, I’m an obedient wife (as I vowed to be on our wedding day) but my husband loves me and supports me. Women are too quick to condemn men nowadays and call them “controlling” and all sorts when they are just men being men. It is as simple as that. If women were more like women rather than trying to be like men the world would be a happier place! There is no doubt our four children have flourished because I was always there for them and because our family was secure and traditional (although we sent them to private school, we didn’t let them board). All four are stable, happy and well-balanced and even my daughters agree that life was so much better with me being at home when they were young and at school and they also agree that the fact I just accepted that my husband was the head of the house and was in charge meant they had a very happy childhood/homelife without their parents arguing (I can remember our youngest daughter, Louisa, saying to me when she was about 10, “mum, why don’t you and dad argue? Everyone at school says their parents argue and they don’t believe me when I tell them I’ve never heard you two arguing. They think it’s strange!” but by then I had learnt just to say “sorry” and back down even if I thought I was right.)

As you say on your site being a housewife and a mother is a 24/7 job – I know it was for me when the children were younger and before my husband retired. Every morning I’d get up half an hour before the rest of the family and prepare the breakfast for my husband and the children. Then I’d shower and get dressed by which time my husband would be leaving for work, then I’d take the children to school or nursery. I’d come home and have breakfast after which start, I’d start the day which would mean baking; cooking (I simply love cooking!); grocery shopping and household chores like washing, ironing and cleaning; clothes shopping for myself and the family (although we had a cleaner come in twice a week) and preparing the evening meal etc. I also go for hair and beauty treatments and work out. Like most women I’ve always loved having my hair done and I also gone to a beauty salon for manicures, pedicures, hydra facials, lash tinting, eye brow shaping, waxing – the full works really! I just love it! Both the hairdresser and salon just send my husband the invoice once a month or once a quarter which is great as I never see the bill!  I love being pampered and if it a special occasion the beauty therapist will come to our house and do my make-up for me!

Then, when my husband was coming home from work, I would re-do my hair and make-up, change my clothes and wear shoes so I looked nice for him and if he wasn’t late home have the dinner ready for him. Then I would go around the house and make sure there was nothing lying around that would irritate him – all the children’s toys were tidied up and boxed away, newspapers were folded and I would make sure there were no books, magazines or toys lying around downstairs. I used to behave quite differently when Mark was around. I became tense and looked around frantically in case there was something he might not like. I have always hated getting on the wrong side of him.

We always tried to eat dinner together as a family but it was not always possible with Mark’s high-powered, high-pressured job. Even so, I loved having the children, bathing them, reading them stories, nursing them when they were sick, taking them to clubs, taking them out for days during the school holiday periods and their pictures and cards and their funny sayings – I wouldn’t have missed that for the world! I really wouldn’t and I am so grateful that due to my husband’s job I could afford all that sort of thing without having to worry about money too much (my husband would give me extra money if I was taking the children out for days during the holidays – sometimes we’d met him in London and have lunch or he’d take some time off and go to Tower of London, Cutty Sark in Greenwich etc which was really nice family time.)

My husband has always been very generous and over the years he has bought me cars, clothes, handbags, flowers, perfume, jewellery, sensual nightwear and lingerie, books and taken me away for weekends and wined and dined me. One advantages of having separate accounts (he pays me a monthly allowance) is that we can both buy surprise presents for each other – in fact I’m planning a big surprise party for his 70^th next year. He has always allowed me to go out with friends and I go to the theatre and meals and have lunches and things like going to see Wimbledon tennis which I love (also been to Rolland Garros in Paris with Andrew and a friend) and meet at each other’s houses during the day but I would always put my husband and children first.

Yes, I’ve experienced sexism and even sexual harassment during my lifetime but quite a lot of the sexism (and just damn right rudeness!) has come from other women! I’ve been told I’m a door mat, that I’m a docile show pony and a Stepford Wife. I know men can be sexism but that has to be balanced by the huge number that are complimentary and flatter me – something that I couldn’t put on Laura Bates’s Every day sexism site! Just before the pandemic struck in about October or November 2019 I went to the theatre with a friend. It wasn’t very busy, we were in the circle, and the usher (an older woman in her sixties) showed us to the wrong seats. I suppose I was making a bit of a fuss as there wasn’t many people there but I went back to the usher and told her we were in the wrong row; she wasn’t very happy and looked at my ticket again and said there was a smudge on it (there wasn’t) and showed us to the right row without apologising. Then at the interval I ordered a Pinot Gringo and a Prosecco from a large lady in her 20’s, she gave me the Pinot and asked for payment so I questioned where the Prosecco was and she said very curtly “I’ve already told you I’m going to have to go to the fridge out the back to get it!”. Then when I went back to the seat, I decided to buy an ice-cream form the same usher, she went through every ice-cream in detail and took ages! When I bought one, she said, “have you worked out whose done it yet?” (It was a whodunnit) I said “no” and she just smiled at me to as if to say “dumb blonde” – and that was just one evening that I can remember as it was recent – there are plenty more examples, I can tell you! My husband says it is because I can appear “standoffish” and a bit superior and I rub people up the wrong way!

I’m conscious I’m rambling on now – sorry – so when I look at your rules on your site, I find I tick all the boxes. I would also add sense of humour – if I had one complaint about Mark it is that he’s a very, very serious guy (I guess because of his responsible job) and is quite stern – even the children tell him to “lighten up a bit” whereas I’m placid, easy-going, good humoured and I smile a lot but they say opposites attract, don’t they? Fortunately, I’ve had loads of fun with the children over the years and learnt to be more serious when hubby’s around – which is a good balance in a way (the children were the same when they were young – Mark always supported me with discipline and an “I’ll tell your father” was often enough to guarantee good behaviour!)) even so I’ve been told off before now for giggling with the kids! We do have shared interests though – we both like horse racing, dining out, nice hotels and holidays, weekend breaks, cruises as that’s important too. I’m not so keen on cricket (many a time I’ve sat at The Oval, Lords or Headingly reading a good book! And missed “the action”!) and he’s not keen on tennis or the theatre.

1. Respect – show respect at all times – yes, I’ve always had a huge amount of respect and admiration for my husband and this has been one of the reasons why I have found it so easy to submit to him. I think if I was Mark and I was married to me then I’d be exactly the same so I have nothing but admiration for him. His friends and family all respect him too and I’ve often heard it said by others when he was working that he has a good high paid job, lovely house, beautiful wife and lovely children etc. Most people who know him have the up most respect for him – he commands respect.
2. Honesty – always be truthful never tell lies. My husband is very honest and has a lot of integrity which has been one of the reasons he has been successful in the financial services industry (contrary to popular opinion they’re not all cowboys!). He hates dishonesty. I believe honesty is one of strengths of our marriage, although if I’m being totally honest, I didn’t always tell him things the children had done or if they were in trouble at school as I didn’t want them told off or punished.
3. Obey – Obey your Husband/Hoh without question. Yes, I know it not fashionable but I do obey my husband but I probably didn’t realise it for a long time and to be fairness in the early days I did question his authority when he said “no” I would try again in perhaps a different way or worse still go ahead and do something (which he would reverse!)! I know it frustrated him A LOT and he would get quite shirty and so annoyed he would go red in the face. We would end up not speaking and I would end up crying. The thing was we never really talked about it but he just expected me to be obedient which I can kind of understand now – after all that was what I signed up for and what I’d vowed in church but I guess the rebellious side of me didn’t want to acknowledge it so I pushed back a little. If we were out, he’d give me a look or say “that’s enough Charlotte” and mostly I’d respond positively but I admit I didn’t make life easy for him! It wasn’t really until after we had Andrew and Elizabeth – so mid 1990s – that I accepted that “no” meant “NO” and not to question him. If I’m being honest, I think that was the most important thing in the marriage because form then on my husband lead and I just accepted his decisions and life became a lot, lot easier and calmer! I remember once Mark said to my dad, “your daughter keeps me on my toes, I say “no” to her one week but then she comes back the following week and tries agin” which was embarrassing. On another occasion we were out for a family meal for dad’s birthday – my sister and brother and their other halves and mum, Andrew and Elizabeth were small (only grandkids) and I was pregnant with Louisa. Dad was at the top of the table and mark and I either side. We had the main course and were waiting to order desert when one child wanted to go the toilet and then the other as kids often do. So, I took them both, I told mark to order me a tiramisu or something for desert and ice-cream for the children. We took a long time and when I got back yes, the ice cream was there but a cold cup of coffee for me! Mark was talking to dad and I moaned about my lack of desert. He was quite dismissive about it and said he couldn’t remember what I’d asked for and wasn’t that interested. Anyway, I must have gone on about it as he kicked me under the table quite hard (fortunately I was wearing knee high boots!). Dad laughed and then apologised to Mark on my behalf! I was fuming at the time and had to bite my tongue but it taught me an important lesson.
4. Do not put yourself in danger – speeding, not taking medication, probably do speed a bit (especially when the children were at school and had to go here there and everywhere with them!) but I only take medication prescribed by a doctor and I don’t drink much. Fortunately, I’m in good health (touch wood) and Mark is too – apart from high blood pressure which is medicated.
5. Be available & willing when you husband/Hoh has physical needs. Yes, I have never refused my husband sex unless it was my period or I have been unwell.
6. Complete household tasks, keep the home clean & tidy. Yes, done this all our married life, I’m very houseproud – the kids will tell you that!
7. Make sure all meals are ready on time. Yes, when my husband was working, he could come home really late so would have a regular dinner time for the children but no matter what time he came in I would be up and have a meal prepared for him (if he hadn’t eaten already) – I’ve never, ever been in bed when has come home from work.
8. Take care of yourself, so you remain healthy. I have always been a size 10 (so about 130lbs and 5’ 6” height) and got my figure back after each pregnancy, I work out at a gym but housework keeps me slim too! I watch what I eat as I know my husband expects me to stay slim and attractive. In fact, if you asked him what he dislikes most about me he’d say he hates me looking a mess. He likes me to be slim, nicely made up and with my hair done all day long – as if I’ve just fallen out of the pages of Vogue! It was not really achievable when the children were young (young children are very, very messy!) but even so I’ve always made an effort and not let myself go like some women – I know Mark would have divorced me if I had!
9. Follow the dress code if you have one to follow. I always dress well which my husband appreciates – I think I’ve got quite a tasteful, stylish dress sense (hubby agrees) and I try to dress tastefully and stylishly. I shop at Harrods, Harvey Nichols, My Theresa and Matches Fashion among others. If I wear trousers, I always team it up with a feminine blouse. As said, Mark hates me looking a mess and pays a lot for my beauty treatments on top of my allowance (he pays direct to the hairdresser and beauty salon who send him a monthly or quarterly invoice so I never see the bills!) and if I want extra money for clothes all I have to do is ask and I get it.
10. Stick to the family budget. I have a monthly allowance paid direct to my bank account and if I need more money my husband wants to know why which is fair enough – it is his money after all – he earns it! If it is for a new dress for a function or something it is fine but if its normal household expenses he’ll ask if I’ve been too extravagant? Have I spent too much? What I have spent which is extra? Did I buy a large ticket item without asking him first? I have to keep receipts so I can show him what I have spent (he inputs them onto an Excel spreadsheet!). I have a credit card too which he will allow me to use for a special, high end item like an evening dress or on-line shopping. When the children were younger, he could be a bit difficult with money and I would have to ask for more most months (I don’t think he didn’t realise how much children cost but I was probably a bit careless with money too!) and he would say I was spending too much on myself, petrol or clothes for the kids or food etc but he is a lot, lot better now.

            In 2017 Mark retired which was a big change for everyone. To be honest he was so much a work-a-holmic during the week we really didn’t see much of him! Also, with two children having flown the nest and 2 others not needing me so much it was a big change for me too. It was OK at first as we had a few holidays but without work Mark was like a bear with a sore head (there’s only so much golf you can play!) he done a bit of consultancy work and he thought about becoming a magistrate or a Conservative councillor but then the Covid struck but of course he is at home all the time now and therefore he sees what I’m up to and he is stricter with me now than at any time in our 30-year marriage! There’s no chance of him mellowing with age I can tell you! So, when we walked back to his Mercedes after the December 2019 Christmas lunch, I thought about what his work colleague, Linda, had said (this is at the very beginning of my post to the Everyday Sexism Project about Mark letting me spend a lot on clothes because I do as I’m told) and as I smoothed down my Gucci skirt to get into his car to be honest, she wasn’t top of my Christmas card list! However, once I reflected on what she had said it sent me down a path of self-discovery which has led me here via Every Day Sexism and a few other sites and it is a path I wish I’d been on years earlier and I’m really glad she said what she said now because I have finally acknowledged to myself at least that I am actually just an obedient, submissive, Trophy Wife and have been all my married life.