Charlotte My Life Story

Gosh, there’s so much I could write here I feel I could fill a book! I keep thinking of new things all the time, not just about my marriage but my childhood too! I must say I find it really helpful to write these things down as I have never really thought much about them till recently and I’m sorry this rambles on a bit and probably needs a lot of cutting and editing! Very sorry about that!

A bit about my background first, I was born in 1964, the youngest of the three children, I had a brother 2 years older and a sister 5 years older.
We lived in an ordinary three-bedroom semi-detached house and me and my sister shared a room. My dad was very traditional in his thinking and was head of the house, he worked as a gas engineer and mum was a dinner lady. My mum was a bit overweight and because I was pretty, girly and placid she liked me to be feminine and wear nice dresses which is something my sister rejected out of hand. My sister was quite feisty and a bit of a “women’s libber” which was big in the Seventies and would often argue with my dad about it and also about Unions which my dad didn’t like as back then they were always on strike.
My sister wasn’t a Tom Boy but she didn’t like girly things at all and was very brainy, she always had her head in a book and passed her 11+ and went to grammar school. So, we were total opposites and didn’t really get on. Also, I helped more around the house as my sister refused as she got older but I would like to help mum and we were very close. Mum was a bit overprotective of me being the youngest and wouldn’t let me do things which my brother and even my sister were allowed to do, although sometimes I made a rod for my own back like I joined the Brownies but didn’t like it as some girls picked on me, or maybe it was because I didn’t like the unflattering brown shift dress and brown bobble hat! Anyway,
I left and didn’t go onto to join the Guides like my sister. I remember once when I was about 9 or 10, maybe younger, we were on holiday at the coast with my aunt and uncle and my brother and my sister were playing in the sea with my cousins but mum wouldn’t let me near the water as I couldn’t swim.
Mum loved seeing me in a pretty dress and brushing my long blond hair, plaiting it and tying ribbons and bows in it. Mum worked as a dinner lady and one of her friends at work had a daughter, Janet, who was in my class, she was quite a plain, quiet girl with loads of freckles. I wasn’t friends with her but every year I got invited to her birthday party which was in August when a lot of families were on holiday but our holiday worked round it! Mum would always buy me a pretty frock and say “you’re going to be the prettiest girl there”.

The funny thing was Janet mum didn’t like me! One time when I was maybe 7 or 8, I was sitting on a bench at play time after lunch when the girl I was with pinched my bare leg and left a red mark. I can’t remember all the ins and outs of it but the whistle went for us all to queue up and file one class at a time back into the classrooms. The girl was in her queue by then and I walked up to her and pushed her. I think she must have fallen over a school bag or something as she fell on the playground and started crying. The teacher came over and grabbed hold of me and started yelling at me and Janet mum (Mrs P – I can remember her name!) came over and said “shall I take her to the Headmistress?” I guess the teacher felt she had to organise the queues because she agreed with Mrs P. So, I was hauled off to the Headmistresses study where Mrs P explained what I had done whilst I cried and said “she pinched me”.
Well of course, the Headmistress put me over her knee and I was soundly spanked – children were back then but every year at Janet’s party Mrs P would make some sort of “that taught you a lesson” comment about the incident either in front of the other children or when I was on my own. Although I wasn’t a “naughty girl” at all I did get into a fair bit of trouble at school what with one thing and another (I was easily lead!).

At a young age mum made me realise that I couldn’t just eat what I wanted. I remember once we at a restaurant for a family celebration, I was probably about ten or eleven and we had dinner and the waiter come to collect desert orders, I was sitting next to mum as always. The rest of the family had ordered including my sister and brother and I was looking at the menu trying to decide what to have but when it came to my turn my mum just flattened the menu on the table with her hand and said,

“You’ve eaten enough, Charlotte.” And told the waiter I wasn’t having a pudding! I was upset but being very placid I didn’t make a song and dance over it like some children would have but having said that I did have my moments when I throw tantrums. My sister, who would have been about 15 or 16, found it highly amusing, in fact she loved it when mum and dad told me off or stopped me from doing stuff.

I also remember mum telling the Headmistress at our primary school (mum also worked there as a dinner lady) that she was going to get my ears pierced over the summer holiday and was it OK and the Headmistress said it was as long as I had studs not hoops during the school day (except when I was the May Queen!) so that’s what happened, I was one of the youngest girls in the school to have my ears pierced. Again, it was what mum wanted as it meant she could buy me ear-rings.

So, I left school at sixteen and went to secretarial college and then became a typist and then got a job as a PA.

When I was 20 or 21, I date a lad I was fond of but I surprised him one Saturday afternoon at his flat and was surprised he was still in his dressing gown and then an attractive brunette came out of the bedroom, it turned out he had cheated on me loads including my best friend.

Eventually I worked in London as a PA and that’s where I met Mark. I was a PA in a large finance company in London and Mark was an investment banker for the same company.
I was 24 and he was 36, this was in 1988. We started dating, he was so, so, so different from my previous boyfriends, he had his own flat for a start and we went for meals and to the theatre and for walks along the Thames and for weekends away in Europe (he proposed in Paris one weekend) and the UK and even skiing and yachting which was a world away from the pubs and clubs I’d been used to and I just loved it. Also, and this is sometimes difficult for men to understand, but because I was considered to be attractive, I used to get quite a bit of unwanted male attention some of which was funny and some of it was frightening but being with Mark I felt safe. He had an air of quiet confidence and I knew he would protect me, especially being older. He wasn’t a drinker or someone who got drunk and argued with people he was always very polite, well-mannered, considerate and in control and I really liked that. I loved staying at his posh flat too. I used to stay most weekends and gradually I moved clothes and cosmetics in and also Mark brought me clothes. After about a year he let me have a key too which was great. I used to go round and tidy up for him and cook a meal and get grocers if he was working late which he often was. I used to come to work on a Friday with a brown leather bag (Mark brought me) and the other girls would tease me as they knew where I was going after work. He’d never been married but had lived with a girl called Sarah for 4 or 5 years who’d ended the relationship (she actually phoned me at home (God knows where she got the number) and said she was really; really glad Mark had met someone as he was a nice guy). OK sometimes Mark would order for me in restaurants and he always thought he knew what was best for me and when we were around friend’s house or his or mine parents, he liked me to sit on his lap but I just put that down to the fact he loved me and he wanted to protect me. Also, sometimes when I got to his flat, he’d put out clothes for me to wear if we were going out, especially if he’d brought me a new skirt or dress. I didn’t mind at all, in fact I quite liked it. In fact, one time he brought me an expensive midi satin skirt with large black, orange and blue squares on it, I was wearing it at home one day when mum said to me, 

“What a lovely skirt, where did you get it?”

So, I told her Mark had brought it me and she said what a wonderful man he was and then she took my hands and said,

“Please, please tell me you’re going to marry him!”

I told her he hadn’t even asked me yet!

I don’t really know why Mark didn’t ask me to move into his flat but he didn’t which meant I was at home until I was 26 when we married. My brother and sister went to university and didn’t really come back so I was home with my parents a long time on my own. My dad was very old fashioned and a bit of a stickler so I had a few run ins with him about boyfriends and staying out late and the phone bill (land line and one phone!) but that all changed when I met Mark who my parents really liked. So, I guess it was quite “traditional” at home, I helped mum a lot and went shopping with her and she really liked me being around. She wasn’t a great cook and a bit old-fashioned (meat and two veg) but she was good at baking and she showed me how to bake which was good.

Mark’s own parents lived in Yorkshire and were very well off. I used to love going to see them and staying in their large house, surrounded by countryside and rolling hills. They really welcomed me into the family and where delighted Mark had found a young, pretty girlfriend as he’d not dated many girls, also I got on very well with his sister Rebecca who is 6 years younger. We used to travel up to Yorkshire on the Friday night and on the Saturday morning Mark and his dad would play golf whilst Rebecca and I would go shopping and go for coffee at nearby Knaresborough or Harrogate. Also, Rebecca used to show me a few local sights too, it is such a beautiful part of the world. Then in the evening we’d all go out for a meal as a family or his mum would cook and we would have dinner at home, either way we were all expected to dress up for dinner – no jeans and tops! I loved the atmosphere of politeness and good manners which as a far cry from my home with my sister arguing with dad or mum and dad exchanging words. It was such a pleasant world. Mark made it clear from the get go that he wanted a serious relationship. He wasn’t a player or a womaniser or a drinker or one for going out with “the boys” and I liked that. He was very serious and work orientated and wanted to settle down and have a family and that made me feel all cosy and warm because here was a man who wanted to commit to me for life (unlike some of the commitment phobs I’d dated!) and actually wanted to support me and have children!

Mark (and his family) wanted us to get married in Yorkshire so his dad pulled a few strings and signed one of the holidays lets he owned over to Mark and me so we had an address in the parish of the church because back then that was the only way to get married in a local church. The vicar had christened Mark and his sister and his mum went every Sunday to church so he was keen on us being married in his church too even though he probably knew it was a bit of a rouse. My parents didn’t mind as Mark’s parent paid the lions share! I remember Mark and I going to see the vicar in the vestry. It must have been winter and was absolutely freezing cold and I wasn’t really listening to Mark and the vicar discussing arrangements for the wedding (Mark had said after we’d go to the pub for a drink and I was looking forward to that!). I remember Mark saying we wanted a “very traditional wedding” with “traditional vows”. The vicar asked me if I was happy with that and I just nodded. To be honest, although I knew he meant “honour and obey” I wasn’t a church goer and thought it was just a tradition thing. My mum said it was OK when I asked her so I didn’t really think about it too much. I also remember once Rebecca saying to me when we got engaged, “you know my brother will expect you to be submissive and obedient” but again I didn’t take too much notice.

When we married, I gave up work and became a housewife and relied on my husband’s monthly allowance paid into my bank account. I loved my job as a PA but leaving it was “non-negotiable” as far as Mark was concerned because he was getting older and he wanted to start a family ASAP and also, he didn’t think his wife should be working as PA for the same company he worked for. Once we got engaged, he told a lot of senior people I was leaving once we married so I didn’t have much say in the matter. By then Mark had sold his flat and with a big “loan” from his dad he’d brought a large house (what his dad actually did was sell some of his assets and give Mark and his sister quite large sums of money each as a kind of early inheritance to avoid taxes later on). So, I went from a three-bed semi to living in a lovely seven-bedroom detached house, with a state-of-the-art open plan kitchen, large garden and landscaped driveway with underground heating to keep the frost at bay!

So, I became a housewife but I suppose I didn’t really know what I was doing as I had never budgeted (although Mark set up direct debits for all the utilities), never really cooked much, never managed a house, never done weekly shopping so it was hard. Right from the start my husband was picking holes in me and telling me I’d not cleaned or dusted or puffed cushions or not done this or done that and he would even take me by the wrist and show me what was wrong which was so, so frustrating I just wanted to scream! Sometimes I’d even be made to recook meals if I served up something not to his liking or which was uneatable (in fairness I wasn’t a very good cook back then apart from the baking!). As well, he would not listen to my opinion and would tell me to change my clothes if he didn’t like what I was wearing (the reason for this came about as one time in the early days of courting he took me to a function with some directors and some big wigs in the company. It was during the day so not black tie or anything like that, anyway I’d worn a mini skirt which led to one of the directors saying to me in front of Mark, “you’ve got lovely legs Charlotte, and I can see why you like to show them off, but you should really wear a knee length dress or skirt to these sorts of functions.”)

My husband let me get on with organising the house and buying furnishings etc but I had to be careful because if I did something he didn’t like he’d stop it or change it, also I had to be careful that I kept to budget and didn’t over spend my allowance. He always wanted to see receipts and would strict monitor what I’d spent, if I wanted to buy something expensive that would use all my allowance, I had to ask him first and I had to show receipts for absolutely everything! Eventually he let me have a joint credit card which was then easier for buying big ticket items but I still had to check in with him first. When he came home, I was constantly on edge and felt I was treading on egg shells! Also, I didn’t know anyone and was lonely, I was only 26 and living in a big house away from friends and family. I couldn’t get my head around was how he treated me! As I say when we’d been dating, I’d loved staying over at his London flat and going for meals etc. I suppose I’d been seduced by his lifestyle and I couldn’t believe how different the reality of marriage was. I realised too that with me being a Taurus and with Mark being a Gemini our star signs were just not compatible but I had made my bed and knew I had to lie in it. 

The worse thing was that right from the get go my husband made it clear that he would make decisions and not even consult me! I thought in any relationship there would be compromise but that wasn’t Mark’s way at all! He made all the decisions about what we did and where we went and when he said NO, he meant it! There was just no way back. It was hard to get used to as in the crazy world of an unmarried Charlotte Stubbs I’d actually always assumed I’d be a in relationship which was based on mutual respect, equality and me and my spouse would discuss things and make joint decisions and yes, perhaps I would actually get my own way from time to time! What I had never imagined in my wildest dreams or nightmares was that I’d be married to a man who was firmly stuck in the Nineteenth Century who made all the decisions, big and small, and did what he wanted and that meant ditto me! And it wasn’t just behind closed doors, it didn’t matter if we were with his family, my family or friends my husband was exactly the same!

I suppose because I have always been considered attractive, I was used to getting my own way and had dated a few boyfriends who had put me on a pedestal also my parents had always favoured me over my sister as I was more feminine and girly but that being said I was prepared to compromise and met my husband half way but he just wasn’t prepared to be anything other than an assertive, forceful husband who discounted my opinions! And he used to put me down sometimes too and make out I was a “dumb blond” and in public too. I remember when we’d only been dating a short while he took me for a meal at a friend’s flat and over the dinner I stupidly said “what’s spaghetti junction?” which drew lots of laughter, even from Mark, and made me look small but then at other times he would say how nice I looked or how supportive I’d been which more than made up for it.

We didn’t really argue that’s not my husband’s way at all, he would get annoyed and tell me off and then that would be the end of it (as far as he was concerned) but I bottled things up and occasionally throw a childish tantrum. I used to cry a lot during the day and used to think to myself, “My God, what have I gotten myself into?” I just could not believe how awful my marriage was! Also, I didn’t feel there was anyone I could turn to as my parents really liked Mark and would have thought I was 50 shades of mad if I’d left him especially after so short a time when I’d not really given the marriage a chance. Then in October, just 3 months after our wedding, I fell pregnant, my husband was delighted of course. Shortly after I had a bad car accident (my fault) and Mark wouldn’t let me have new car till the baby was born so I had to go around in taxis until after Andrew was born, it was amazing how many taxi drivers would take the shopping into the kitchen for me, they were really kind. 

I hadn’t been pregnant long, maybe 3 months, when my husband had to go to New York for a few days. My allowance had run out so that night I’d asked him for some more money and he said I was spending too much and he needed to see what I’d spent but didn’t have time right now. Anyway, that created a bit of an atmosphere and I served him a meal, fish I think, and it was burnt and he told me to recook it, I said there was no more fish so he told me to go and buy some! I said I had no money so he threw some cash on the table and said “buy some with that” – I said “no” and we had a huge row. He left early to go to the airport and I didn’t see him but when I got up the next morning and went to my dressing room (our bedroom has an en suite bathroom and a short corridor leading to my dressing room) he had locked the door and taken the key! I had to get clothes from the wash but had no underwear and had no money to buy anything! I told a neighbour who saw me crying and she gave me a brand, new track suit to wear. He got the taxi home from the airport on the Friday night and we made up but it put me on edge about how he would react to stuff if I upset him.

I’m not going to say our first child “saved” our marriage or anything stupid like that but it was a huge relief and although no parent will say they favour one child over another I do believe it created a special bond between me and our son Andrew who was born in June 1991 also because he was the first born. He was the first grandchild to for my parents and Mark’s so they all doted on him too.  Every parent knows that a baby changes your whole life and they become the focus of all your attention, especially for the mother and that was the case with Andrew, he was my whole world and I stopped thinking about myself and how unhappy I felt.  As soon as Andrew was born Mark brought me an Audi Cabriolet which was really nice too (he always buys German cars!). The other good thing that happened in 1991 was dad retired that meant my parents could come up to our house during the day and my mum helped me a lot with Andrew and housework whilst dad did DIY and gardening (for all his many talents my darling husband is useless at DIY!). Also, Marks’ sister Rebecca stayed with us for a while. Mum and dad or Rebecca would baby sit whilst I went to the hairdresser or beauty salon or shopping so that was nice too or I’d take Andrew to their house for the day. When they came up to ours my parents would quite often stay over and my husband and I would go out for an evening which was nice or for a function at his work. My mum who was slightly overweight, maybe a size 18 or 20 back then, loved the fact I dressed nicely and the fact I had a dressing room. She would often say to me “what a lovely blouse you’re wearing or what a nice skirt or dress”. She absolutely loved going to my dressing room and looking at all my dresses, tops, skirts, trousers, blouses, handbags, scarfs, belts, shoes and boots (by the dozen!) and other accessories was amazed by how much it all cost, not to mention my jewellery, lingerie and perfumes! She would say to me,

“You’re so, so lucky, Charlotte, Mark spoils you rotten buying you all these lovely things. I just hope you appreciate him.”

And I’d just nodded my head and be too embarrassed to tell her about the dressing room incident and other incidents like re-cooking meals or having to change my clothes or keep the house just so.

In fact, one time Mark and I were going to a very, very posh black-tie ball in London and mum and dad were around to baby sit. My hairdresser and beautician came around to the house as my hairdresser put my long blond hair up and put a diamond encrusted hair clip in one side and various diamond hair pins in it too, it took literally hours to do, also the beautician done my make-up and I wore a diamond necklace and matching earrings and bracelet and a silver satin ball gown with a very full skirt and tight bodice and high heeled silver sandals. Mark was dressed in his tuxedo of course. When I came down stairs everyone was wating to see me, Mark, my mum and dad and the beautician, Vicky and hairdresser, Alex and they all said how beautiful I looked and Mum just burst into tears! Dad told me the next day she’d been crying on and off for most of the evening as she was just so happy for me and couldn’t believe how beautiful I looked!

Despite feeling happier and getting more of a routine into my/our lives I still felt I was expected to be the pretty wife at home with no opinions about anything, looking after the children and doing all the domestics and it just felt so wrong! In a way I felt trapped as my parents really thought the world of Mark and they got on like a house on fire with his parents (both our dads were born in 1926)! My dad was always a bit of a Scrooge (he’s passed on now) and liked walking holidays and my husband’s parents owned some holiday lets in Yorkshire and used to let them come and stay for free every year for two weeks (if they wanted which they often did!) so they got to know each other really well as that was my parents annual vacation sorted! Also, we’d always come up and stay at Mark’s parent’s house for some of the time too so the two families were together and also the grandchildren.

I started to meet other mums through a baby and toddler group too and made a few friends who were about my age. I guess we settled into a routine and things gradually improved and I felt a lot, lot happier and also, I got more experienced at running the house and accustomed to what Mark liked (and didn’t like!) and planning my days and then I became pregnant with Elizabeth and she was born January 1993. 

By then I’d made a few friends and we would go to lunch together or each other’s houses. By then we had two very young children and I wanted for nothing and had a comfortable lifestyle and had the support of friends and family so I wasn’t going to give it all up especially as my parents were really supportive and really thought I had a wonderful relationship (they felt I’d done really well for myself in marrying Mark). My dad had always been very old fashioned in his views on women but he’d been born in 1926 whereas my husband was born in 1952!  (They say you marry your dad and I think I may have done that! There is no question in my mind that my dad actually quite enjoyed the fact that my husband was head of the household and in charge and he would encourage him – not that Mark needed any more encouragement!) I guess too that when I thought about it, I balanced the pros with the cons, my husband was “traditional” in every sense of the word but he provided me with a lifestyle a lot of women would have been envious of and he was also loyal, faithful and stable and when he worked late, which he did often, and weekends, I never feared he was running around with other women (like a lot of men we knew!). If I’m honest too I was quite materialistic and I liked the life style and status my husband’s high earning job gave me, I even had my own dressing room filled up with designer clothes! Yes, I was married to an Alpha male but he was polite, well-mannered, traditional and stable. There was something else too, something that is hard to put a finger on and probably something I’d not even admit to myself back then but there was a side of me that actually quite enjoyed my husband being in control and putting me in my place a bit. And my God, there’s just so many examples of that over the years I just don’t know where to start! To say it keeps me on my toes would be an understatement! For example, and this is just one thing that sprung to mind, one time I’d been out shopping in London with a girlfriend and I’d worn heels and that evening Mark and I were going out for dinner with some friends, it was summer I think maybe mid to late Nineties and anyway we had an au pair or nanny at the time (we got through quite a few of them what with one thing and another which is a story in itself! Mark used to ask them what I’d got up to during the day and one French girl couldn’t wait to tittle-tattle to Mark each day, even keeping notes!). My husband was late home due to the trains, “signalling failure” or something and was in a bad mood and went upstairs to get changed. I was dressed already in a nice summer dress and because my feet hurt due to shopping in heels, I was wearing low heeled sandals. I was in one of the front rooms talking to the au pair when Mark came down. I picked up my handbag and cardi and went outside into the hall as the taxi was waiting. Well, Mark just stared at me feet, not saying anything, he has a habit of doing this and then he just said.

“Change your shoes,”

I looked at him and was going to (try to!) explain why I wasn’t wearing heels but I decided against it and went upstairs and put on a pair of very high heeled sandals, despite my ankles and feet hurting! I came downstairs and we went out to the taxi and no more was said about it.

Also, I remember one morning being in the kitchen, Elizabeth was about 3 months old and I was trying to feed her and Andrew who would have been about 2 years old was in a highchair with his breakfast which he was choosing to throw on the kitchen floor (he was a real handful when he was young), Mark had his breakfast and was going off to work, I can’t remember what happened exactly but I think Andrew messed up Mark’s suit somehow and he had to change. Of course, I got told off for not keeping an eye on him! Anyway, I lost it and shouted, “they’re your bloody kids as well, you keep an eye on him for a change!” which resulted in a few angry words being spoken, I can tell you! My husband ended by saying he had to get to work but that he would have more to say to me when he came home and left the house in a foul mood. After he had gone, I started crying and was crying whilst I was feeding Elizabeth who, for some reason, gave me a gorgeous smile! Well, there is nothing lovelier in the world than a baby smiling to lift your spirits and I stopped crying and felt a warm glow inside. I think in that moment I knew I could not leave my husband, no matter what, the children needed him and I needed him. That night when he came home, I had put the children to bed and prepared a nice candle light meal for him, put on a pretty dress and had even brought him a card from the newsagent with a sorry message. I suppose I did not have to do it but I am glad I did as I feel it was a turning point and rather than have more angry words we kissed and made up which meant in the bedroom too! As to sex, if I am honest, my husband has always been quite traditional and takes the lead and is not really experimental or anything like that though so it’s always missionary position though I have suggested a few things over the years. Due to his job, we mostly had sex at the weekend but sometimes he has woken me up in the night and pushed my nightie up if he is in the mood but I have always found it pleasurable. My husband has always enjoyed fondling my large breasts and I’ve liked doing the same to his bald head!

A year after Elizabeth was born, we went to Frankfurt for a year and by the time we came back I was totally accepting of my role as a corporate wife/support to Mark. It was not at all what I’d imagined my married life would be like but I just got on with it. To be honest I loved having the children and being a stay-at-home mother and I guess I just accepted the relationship justifying it to myself by thinking that I was doing it for the “sake of the children”. In 1997 we had Louisa so we had a young family and they were my focus and my world, by the time of Louisa’s birth I just completely accepted my role, I probably would have used the word “supportive” rather “submissive” wife but it amounted to the same thing. The thing was I found that everything was a lot easier, my husband brought me presents, told me how much he loved me and was complimentary about me (especially when going out!) and our home life was calm and uncomplicated. I worked very hard to make him happy by knowing what he didn’t like (the house being untidy and cluttered with kids toys when he came home from work, me looking a mess or answering back or arguing with him) and what he did like – the children in bed when they were younger, the house peaceful, clean and tidy and me being nicely dressed (including lingerie and nightwear) and me welcoming him with a tasty home cooked meal on the table when he got home.

In 2000 we renewed our wedding vows we were going to go to Mexico but I was pregnant with Robbie by then so we went back to the church in Yorkshire, a different vicar but the same vows! The children loved it. We had about 50 guests to and a party at the in-laws!

At the end of 2000 I had Robbie who was out fourth and final child! No caesareans for any of them! I am one of those women that really, really loved being pregnant, although the maternity clothes are not very flattering. Probably one of the hardest things has been trying to get my figure back after each pregnancy. I actually became pregnant agin but sadly miscarried when we were in America. I really watch what I eat but also wear shapewears when required, but it’s all worthwhile when I came down stairs looking glamorous in a lovely evening dress or ball gown to go out for an evening and Mark is wating in the hall I could see in his eyes that he loved it and also, he’d always says how nice I look. I don’t normally wear trousers/jeans, apart from around the house but sometimes I would surprise him by wearing a pair of leather trousers when we went out with friends or just shopping and could tell he liked it also. When we were in England and then more so in Germany when we went to live over there for a year, I started to have some health problems, panic attacks and the like. I was about 30/31 at the time. I think it was all the upheaval and change of lifestyle, bringing up two children. Anyway, the doctor prescribed medication and he gave me a regular health check, blood pressure, height, weight etc which was all good and he asked me about my lifestyle and what I ate etc so I told him about my husband and his job and the children. He said I lived a very healthy life and said that I should try to keep to the same weight and look after my great figure which he actually measured! (Not sure if that was in the doctor’s handbook!)

Then in 2002 Mark said we were upping sticks and moving to New York! I was devasted as by that time I loved the house, had friends nearby and my family were only an hour drive away and I just didn’t want to go to NY – also I felt for the children whose education was going to suffer. Also, I didn’t know how safe it would be after 9/11 which was the year before. We went of course. We had to. I was a corporate wife and then meant following my husband wherever he was located. In the end I actually really enjoyed it, it was a new experience for me and I enjoyed taking the children to new places like Nigeria Falls and around New York. Then as a family we would go to LA, Vegas or Graceland’s (I love Elvis!) and The Grand Canyon etc which was great. But it did affect Andrew’s education for the worst, I’d have to say that he suffered because of the disruption and didn’t settle into a school over there, we were over there for 6 years. The girls were OK, in fact Elizabeth did a degree in American Studies at East Angela Uni when we were back in the UK! I had my breasts enlarged too and my teeth straightened and nose done too whilst we were out there which was good. Mark didn’t like it though; he was quite unhappy with his work and didn’t take to colleagues (sorry to any Americans reading this!) he became tetchy and irritable and took it out on me and the children (particularly Andrew who was at an age when he was answering back and they used to argue a lot). Anyway, we came back in 2008 and settled back into our house in the London suburbs which we’d rented out which was a lot better for everyone.

As I said in my first post, I loved being a SAHM and bringing up the children. I was actually quite a strict mother and was prepared to smack when required (firm but fair I’d say and the children would agree because discipline has to be mixed with love and affection and the children always knew I was there for them and would support them). I loved getting down on the carpet with them when they were small and playing with them and helping them to read and write and paint and draw and playing games with them and taking them out for days. We had some lovely times together as a family and because my husband has always been quite active, he’d suggest going to places and having breaks away. The children knew that when their father was home, he was Head of the household and what he said went and when they were with me, I was in charge. My husband would always back me up, and never over rule me so they couldn’t play one parent off against another as sometimes happens (if I told one of the children to do something and they didn’t Mark would give them a look and that was often enough to get them to toe the line but at times he would get quite annoyed if they didn’t obey me and would really shout at them!). We have a lovely professionally taken photograph on the wall of Andrew, Elizabeth and Louisa sitting on the sofa with baby Robbie lying on Elizabeth’s lap. The children all get on well and Andrew and Elizabeth would often look after the younger two (Andrew is very much like his dad (which is why they clashed) and very serious and sensible and trustworthy) when we went out.

In October I organised a 60th Birthday party or soiree during the day for my brother at our house, there was only about 15 guests but my brother and sister both approve/support my marriage as does Mark’s sister, Rebecca and her husband.

So, I do have a great life really once I accepted my role and accepted that I married into a traditional marriage where my role was as a housewife, a mother, a corporate wife and to be obedient to my husband. Now when I think about it, I think I was naïve and stupid to think when we married in August 1990 that the relationship would be based on my husband acting on my views and opinions. In fact, there is nothing on your site that I would disagree with and I have now read it all! Mark once told me once that when we first married, he thought I had been spoilt by my parents (my sister agrees!) and that he had to bring me in line a bit so that I knew what was expected of me. Now I think he was right and I love him and admire him for it. As I said in my last post if I was Mark and I was married to me I’d behaved in exactly the same way, no in fact, I honestly think I’d have been stricter! 

Nothings really changed over the marriage apart from me accepting my role. My husband has certainly not changed! Very recently, Louisa wanted to take some clothes back to the shops and asked if I wanted to come with her and to do some shopping, I told her “Yes” but I would need to change first (I was wearing jeans) so we went upstairs to my dressing room and I changed into a polo neck jumper, copper-coloured Max Mora pleated satin midi skirt, and knee-high brown boots and then brushed my hair and applied make-up and perfume and jewellery. Louisa was sitting on our bed and was a bit frustrated by the time I was taking to get ready and asked me why I had to change just to go to the shops, I told her that was what her father liked me to do and because I loved him that’s what I’d do and if I didn’t, he’d just make me change anyway.

“He lets me buy expensive clothes and he expects me to wear them,” I told her.

Louisa was a bit rude about it all and anyway, we carried on chatting about it in the car and then we went shopping which was fine. When we got home, I went into the kitchen (Yes Mark had comment by then that I looked nice!) Louisa came in and gave me a big hug and said “sorry” for being impatient with me and that really she actually liked the fact I was so glamourous and dressed so nicely!

So, what more can I say? It’s hard to believe we’ve been married 31 years, where’s the time gone! I guess now I’m starting to acknowledge to myself that I have actually love our relationship just the way it is and didn’t just put up with it for “the sake of the children” or “because of the lifestyle” or because of our families loved their grandchildren and thought Mark was a perfect provider. It is a hard thing to acknowledge especially as my husband won’t talk about such things and I wouldn’t admit it to him as he’d probably think I was weird! The other thing that makes it difficult to acknowledge are websites and other women who have a negative view of such a relationship (I said in my first post some of the names I’ve been called like Stepford Wife, doormat and docile show pony, like Linda at the Christmas reunion women are often not backward in coming forward when they want to give you an opinion on your relationship whereas men, of course, would never be so blunt to each other or to women) which have made me question my relationship with my husband even though I have felt quite content for most of it! And that’s why it’s so nice to find a website like this where I can at last truly acknowledge my submissive feelings without feeling guilty. Our marriage may not have been the marriage I wanted or imagined but it is most definitely the marriage I needed and deserved.